Axeman

Rudi said 'This geezer wanted to kill me once, take me off to the Serengeti National Park, do a bit of bonding, chain me up with his Canadian prison issue leg irons, the best there is on the open, then do for me with an axe and have lions eat up, gobble gobble, me carcass.'

'Why would he want to do that'

'He said I owed him money'

'Did he now. But you, Rudi, are here and he is not, leta habari?'

"He had got into one my schemes, cars, which had gone a bit wrong. But it turned out the dosh was not his, he had borrowed it from his sick wife's pension fund. She found out, he got upset and resolved to come over, do for me, then top himself."

"A dramatic reaction"

"Yeah So he had gone to buy his leg irons and this little axe, more of a chopper really, slipped them in his luggage and come to stay. His plan was that we should go off camping in the Serengeti, then whilst I was asleep he would chain me up, wake me up, tell me his reason and then set too with his chopper"

"Not an easy scheme"

"Well he was upset so not thinking that straight and it would be his first time. He hid the irons in his cupboard at my bait but I soon found them, took one of the keys, made a copy and on the night of the prospective killing had it taped securely around my penis. Good irons though , Canadina prison issue, strong, but more comfortable to wear than the US stuff.

"We had camped out in the Serengeti. He made supper, some safari concoction, a memory of when he had led his own safari trips. He chatted after dinner telling tales of his life and I guess calming his nerves a bit. He was stilted in his conversation but I left him talking until he suggested we go to sleep. We had a tent each.

It was a long time before he came to the tent, I had fallen asleep, it was, he must have planned it, towards dawn, the time of execution. He crawled in his leg irons wrapped in a blanket I suppose to stop them clanking, ghost style. He shackled my legs together, each closing click must have been a reassurance for him since I could have easily woken up at that moment. I did. Then he slipped outside to get his axe and put his courage to the sticking place.

"I sat up soon as he was gone, tore of the tape from my rock hard, I remember the sexual rush, best I ever had, until this day. I knew a few soldiers, some who used a lot of whores but they always said the best of it came from violence and the whores were a poor substitute for an addiction. At that moment I could understand them. The clean night air of the Serengeti rushed the blood around my body, I thought, um, I should get executed more often.

I was standing when he came back with the axe but had left the chains across my feet. He was shocked up to see me standing, a moment reassured when he glanced down to the leg irons, until I moved a foot and the iron fell off. I was naked, tumescent, he had a pair of khaki sorts on. He swung his little axe, I turned, it struck my shoulder, low down, where the big muscle is, sunk in, the back vibration and the shock jolted it from his hand. The axe stayed embedded for a moment then when I shrugged fell out. I could feel the blood, but not so much, no pain, some exhilaration"

"And you said"

Have you ever killed any one with an axe before?"

He stood, panting, glazing, he was shivering.

"It is in fact quite difficult to kill someone with an axe. Especially a little axe like that. It is OK in a judicial situation, like the Tower of London, or Saudi Arabia, big axe, victim restrained, but not good for your run of the mill murder. Better to use a knife, just keep stabbing away, you are bound to get an organ sometime. Just ask any of the husband killers you meet on the way.

"He swayed. I poked him in the chest with my finger. He fell over. I felt cold, I went to put some clothes on and to make us a cup of tea.

"Turns out he had some kind of heart condition which gave him palpitations. He told me where his pills were, I got him some. A couple of days later I drove him to the airport. God speed he said."

Rudi pulled a draught of is pint. I swirled my red wine, thought how much I wanted a cigarette. Husband murderers? Where did that come from?

I said "And the money"

"It was already back in his account. I did not want to say so since it would look like I gave into threats. And anyway I was curious to see whether he could go through with it. The first one is always hard

"How did you get the money?"

"Stole it from someone else. But that'' OK, there is no way to get rich legitimate, though your Bella disagrees with me. All money is stolen, it just goes around

Shelley laughed. That girl is getting quite light one year on.